Women reclining seductively on a bed. The door swings open. The Grim Reaper walks in.
"So", she says, "death has finally come for me".
"Not yet" replies the Grim Reaper, and strips off his robe.
Even dead guys are getting more action than me
@Mattizzle9, I wonder what's more popular? Beastiality or necrophilia? I have my fingers crossed for beastiality.
@Mattizzle9, you would get more action if you had joined team Valor
@Ted Mosby is a jerk, pity sex for Instinct
@Ted Mosby is a jerk, maybe, but Mystic for life
@BearDaniels, why not both?
Do you want demons? Because that's how you get demons...
@Dr Mechanoid, and he shall be named Lucifer
@girlnamedlime, Some have said that naming the baby is always the hardest part.
In this case, I'm calling superbullshjt.
@Neo Daedulus, I was going to go with Dante at first, but this sh!t is too grisly
@girlnamedlime, Damien maybe?
It seems just enough on the nose.
@Neo Daedulus, Damien is actually a nice name, although they did use it for that creepy kid.
@girlnamedlime, You could always go from "hellspawn" to "potentially a creepy cigarette salesman" and spring for Vince or something. Or Lime. NEVER trust someone named Lime. Every time they're either robots trying to sell Margarita mixers (a coincidence I assure you) or a squirrel that learned to use the Internet and gained an insatiable lüst for shjtposting.
@Neo Daedulus, I am definitely fond of nuts, so who's to say?
@girlnamedlime, Lucifer, in fact. I bet you forgot about him, but he was a GODDÅM UNDERCOVER COP THIS WHOLE TIME!!!
@Neo Daedulus, I knew I recognized him, I served him a margarita mixer once...
@girlnamedlime, your a squirrel? I guess that's 1 more for beastiality
That's just dead wrong
@I tell you what, it's imourgal
While this is highly disturbing, why would anyone think to do a dna test on the child, and then compare it to the dead guy?
@TheKen42, that's what I was thinking, like what prompted that?
@TheKen42, ...this is from an extremely fake news website. Unfortunately not a true story.
@TheKen42, not only that but how is this even possible? Unless she used his semen samples he wouldn't even have gotten an erection since it requires, you know, bloodfow
@Evil Troy, yes. If it was real and made more sense, it'd be pretty interesting.
@Deer Jesus, I mean the erection part is possible, rigor mortis
@Deer Jesus, if you cause an erection prior to death and then place a ring on the base, the erection will be sustained after death.
why do i know this...?
I don't know how you would even explain that to the kid when it's older.
@Inigo Montoyas Sword, "Who was my real daddy?"
"He died before you were born."
@Neo Daedulus, it's even crazier because he died before the kid was even CONCEIVED. Cuz I'm sure dads have died during a woman's nine months of pregnancy before, but this is just.. Another fvcking level
@abossassbitch, pun unintended.. Lol
Strange things happen on the Night Shift, but this is why we don't have a mourge. Be sure to stop by the cafe on your way out. They have the best meat pies.
@NightShift Janitor, it makes me happy to know that you actually sift through these updates in the middle of the night as your name implies
@NightShift Janitor, that's disgusting
@NightShift Janitor, I read that in Peter Griffin's voice.
@NightShift Janitor, GOD THAT'S GOOD
He must have been huuung
@Your Darkest Secret, the stiffening properties of rigurmortis (spelled incorrectly) make the penis not only very hard, but add an extra inch or two as well.
Pretty sure that a dead body wouldn't ejaculate
@Mkb617, google says yes
@Frankito, I will admit you are right but if you actually read them you will see that it is extremely rare and unlikely plus would have to happen pretty neat to when the man died. And then there is this....http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/stiffed.asp
@Mkb617, she was his autopsy-er so he dies, they bring him in on a gurney. Could take anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour for him to get to the morgue (they normally don't leave dead bodies lying around)
@Dr Simon Acula, I have found out that technically it could happen. This one is a fake though
I'm from KCMO and I can primos you this doesn't represent us at all. We are not that disgusting. We wear protection when we have sex with our dead people.
@Darth Knight, I don't know what KCMO is and I don't know if this is a joke but it's terrifying me.
@Dr Simon Acula, Kansas city Missouri
Oh that's nasty
So... How'd they figure that and why didn't she just pretend it was from a one night stand. How the fvck do you get caught with that. And WHAT THE FVCK.
@girlnamedlime, not to mention... how does a dead guy ejaculate?
@Couch Ornament, oh god this is getting so much worse (shakes head) I can't.
@girlnamedlime, I know the feeling... something smells tabloid-y about this one.
@Couch Ornament, *sniffs around* also dead people
@girlnamedlime, well, there is that too. *sprays febreeze*
@girlnamedlime, sperm lives for three days outside of the testicles 😎👉
@Dr Simon Acula, I wonder how long he was dead before she had her way with him (shudders) I ask these questions but I don't think I really want to know
@Dr Simon Acula, where did you hear that? Sperm can survive a maximum of about an hour outside the regulated temperature of the gonads. Unless it is instantly flash frozen as they do in sperm donation clinics.
@Couch Ornament, maybe it was that sperm survives three days IN the testicles?
@Dr Simon Acula, that would make more sense, though after the body temp dropped below 34c they would die. On an aside... can't believe I'm discussing semen on funny pics. Lol.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I discuss anything anywhere
@Dr Simon Acula, a conversation is a conversation. 😃
A stiff with a stiff
How did . . . How did it get hard?
@MoustachedCactus, me thinks this is a false article.
@MoustachedCactus, rigor mortis
@girlnamedlime, your right, the erection can actually stay there for quite a while. I hope i die proud and hard.
@Dephenistrator, knowing you, you fvcking will
@girlnamedlime, thank you! (Get's another erection)
She's got a dead look in her eyes
So I'm going to assume this happened in Florida?
@k151rumm, the guy died in texas so its safe to assume the this was also done in texas.
Suddenly I feel much better about my sex life. Also Ew.
If she was going to give the autopsy that means she has a medical degree
I live there!!!!
At least she didn't give birth to an otherworldly abomination after being impregnated by the interdimensional horror, Yog Sottoth, in an attempt to reclaim our dimension for the Old Ones, wiping out all life in the universe in the process.
Lavinia Whateley did this in "The Dunwich Horror" by H. P. Lovecraft.
She even looks like the necrophiliac from Neil Gaiman's Sandman.
*Cut to two different hands poking out of their graves to fistbump*
If she was that horny, I'm sure there's plenty of dudes at a bar that would have just said yes.
@Dephenistrator, i dont think it's about horny, it's about what arouses her in the first place
@fatem, that opens alot of doors of fvcked up
Lis the child alive, who will it live with? The wife of the dead dude? I hope she doesnt ge custody of the baby? So many unanswered questions and i even googled the article.
Ive heard that its possible for a dead dyde to ejaculate but i just thought it was false info. Of course this could be false info to.
To be fair he never told her it wasn't okay.
Guess that guy was in Die Hard *removes glasses*
Why did she need a DNA test done on the baby in the first place? Who was the complainant? The dead guy? Semen can hold up 24-36 hrs after death but how do you have sex with a limp dk? Fold it in? Im gonna go ahead and call this... BS
I have many questions
So she got cracked open by a cold stiff one?
How zombies are born
Pvssy so good you had to hit one more time even after you're dead
Is that baby now some new species of man or can see all the dead cause he was conceived with death
How would this be possible? If he's dead, how would he ejaculate?
Can sperm live that long?
Read the description
Are you happy to see me or is it just rigor mortis?